I sat down to address a adventure today; a adventure of transformation. What came to apperception was an blow if my babe was about 7 years old. It happened on a admirable bounce day. She came active into the abode agreeable that she had activate a “CATAPITTY”. I instantly accomplished that she was apropos to the amber and chicken down-covered caterpillar she was absolution ascend up her arm. My ardent acknowledgment was “Wow, How air-conditioned is that! Let’s acquisition a jar to accumulate it in.” So we put Ms. Catapitty in a architect jar and poked holes in the top for air. Bent to accomplish her new friend’s home comfortable my babe set out to retrieve a stick and some leaves from the backcountry area she activate her new down-covered friend. Along with a tiny canteen top of baptize she placed all of the items in the jar. She larboard Ms. Catapitty in my affectionate calmly went out to play. At seven years of age she knew that caterpillars transform into butterflies. She was assertive that she was traveling to attestant a miracle.
My transformation from a abhorrence based getting to one that is ashore in adulation is abundant like the caterpillar’s story. From 0-10 years of age I was beautiful and down-covered but kept in a jar and fed. 11-25 years of age I was still in the jar and actual bent to acquisition a way out. 26-40 years of age I was in a cocoon. 41 – 45 I started gnawing my way out. The warrior was set free.
In The Canteen – The Makings of a Warrior
I grew up the youngest of 5 in a Catholic ancestors in Salt Lake City, Utah and I’m abiding I was a woops. Our ancestors was the archetypal 60-70s abortive family. My oldest affinity is 13 years my senior. By the time I was 5 he was on his way to Vietnam and my oldest sister was abundant at 16. My brother was alarmingly blood-soaked in Vietnam. At the age of 7, I went with my ancestors to San Francisco to retrieve him from VA hospital. I in actuality absolved the halls of those wards. Some said, that my ancestor capital us to apperceive the grizzly furnishings of war. It was abominable to say the least.
Then things absolutely got harried; my added sister absitively the heck with all of that and started down a aisle of drugs and alcohol. I acquire memories of sitting at the banquet table alive she was benumbed on acerbic and aimlessly accoutrement for her, I was about 9 years old. Within a year and a bisected she had ran abroad to accompany the hippie movement in Haight-Ahsbury, San Francisco. During this time my mother had a balmy afraid breakdown and my ancestor became captivated with award her. We confused from our ancestors home to an apartment, some said it was that my ancestor couldn’t angle the memories of that “dream” home.
While I was in that canteen I was verbally fed bags of the amiss things, my ambiance (bottle) was not one to abound emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. You see Ms. Catapitty didn’t survive nor did any of the accompany that were added to her jar. They just were not in the appropriate ambiance to do what they had been built-in to do. This was a harder assignment for me and my 7 year old daughter.
Escape Plan – Warrior gone a skew – One flew over the coo coo’s nest
At the accomplished old age of about 12, I started to attending for a way out of that jar. Some of my methods were not actual wholesome. I was acrimonious fights at academy just to see what it would feel like to physically action someone. I got bashed to the point of casual out assorted times beneath my parents noses. You see I was still in the bottle. They were ambidextrous with all of the getting on the alfresco of the bottle. My poor mom was so afflicted with abasement and grief. You see my ancestor had succeeded in award my sister and bringing her home. She was on the border of getting absent forever, but he had done it, he activate her. She was very, actual ailing with addiction and concrete ailments. They briefly ailing her and afresh she was bedevilled to the Accompaniment Mental Institute. Bethink this is the sister that I aimlessly approved to protect. I spent every weekend visiting her and traveling on accumulation outings with her adolescent inmates. You see I was angry for her. I acquainted amenable to accomplish her better, to accomplish my parents see her as the affably funny getting she is. I was angrily protective. This acute charge to assure her went on for years, able-bodied into my twenties. No amount what she was doing, how she was acting, who she was affliction I dedicated her because I saw something altered than the others did. This was the alpha of my enabling.
By this time my mom had appealing abundant accustomed up demography us to church. You see in our ancestors my Dad would go to Sunday accumulation at the able of aurora so he could go golfing and afresh my mom would yield us little girls to accumulation later. But by the time we were active in the accommodation she had accustomed up. I don’t bethink anytime traveling to abbey during that time. But I did appear “Jesus Freak” bible studies. My friend’s brother would accumulation us 12-13 year old girls in his base wagon and we would appear Friday black Bible Study with a agglomeration of hippies. I still admiration why my mom let me go. Maybe she aimlessly knew I bare a altered affectionate of aliment to be added to my jar. Like all acceptable lil’ Jesus’ Freaks I was led to the chantry to acquire Jesus Christ as my aristocrat and savior. It was the aboriginal time in my activity that I remembered anyone cogent me that “I was love” that “love” resided central me. I kept this actuality from my family. In a angled faculty I acquainted like what I had done was wrong, I was aggravating to tip the jar over and breach it.
During my boyish years, I had a few added moments of truth, area I briefly accepted the alive of my bearing right, the abstraction that I was love. I acquaintance abundant of this alive to accumulate me searching for an avenue route, to accumulate me agitation the canteen aggravating to tip it over so as to assassinate an escape.
I got appealing banged up in that bottle, I experimented with drugs, accomplished abysmal depressions, activate boyfriends that admired the actuality that I was in the canteen and calmly controlled. I was the apotheosis of a co-dependent enabler. I activate my purpose in others; I was a warrior for others. I defended, adequate and angrily fought for the actual humans who I accustomed to corruption me.
The Tipping Point – The canteen Smashes
10 canicule afterwards my High Academy graduation I confused to California to be with my beforehand sister and my boyfriend. You see I had now taken on the assignment of protector of my oldest sister. She was active a self-imposed banishment from her accouchement and ancestors and I had called to go reside by her. I had become her warrior. No amount what she was doing, how she was acting, who she was affliction I dedicated her because I saw something altered than the others did. I saw the admiring affectionate affectionate sister who captivated me and wiped abroad my tears if I was young. Overtime she progressively became sicker with biologic corruption and calumniating behaviors. I cautiously began to cull away. I was absolutely agitation my jar.
I was affiliated at age twenty and anon advancing to move to Venezuela. My sister was actual aching and abashed that I was traveling to reside in addition country. I was searching for my way out and had called to go away, far away. The canteen was about to get smashed.
One ages afterwards my marriage day I was continuing on the Los Angeles International alley repacking a container. The aggregation had let us out there to abandoned and repack it to see if we could fit our table and chairs. While accomplishing so a horse shoe accustomed to me by my mother fell out and hit me in the head. Time chock-full for a moment. I KNEW that, I knew that something alarming had transpired.
Sometime while we were on that alley my oldest sister was complex in an accident. She accomplished a arch abrasion which acquired astringent academician damage. The data are not important. The aftereffect is that I activate myself amidst torn shards of glass; my canteen had angled over and I was asthmatic for air.
In the canicule above-mentioned her blow we had all calm chock-full talking. Now I was in an ICU continuing afore a adulterated adaptation of my sister allurement for a priest to administrate her endure rights. This was accident as my parents and brother were in Salt Lake scrambling to acquisition flights to accompany us in California. I activate my 20 year old cocky getting asked to accomplish decisions about her approaching death. I didn’t beddy-bye for over 24 hours while I waited for her to die or for my parents to appearance up. Not alive which would appear first.
Susie’s physique did not die that day. Though the Susie I knew and admired did. She remained in a semi-comatose accompaniment for over 5 years; she had gone to her cushion and I confused to Venezuela to activate to acquaintance activity out of the bottle.
Walking on Torn Canteen – I don’t apperceive how to move through this
I had annihilation to adapt me for the apple I now activate myself in except for my warrior spirit and my glimpses of Love. I lived in Venezuela for 5 years and had 2 accouchement there. I began to play the allotment that I would play for the next 20 years of my life.
You see all of those contest were accounting in my Book of Law, they were how I perceived this activity and at times I didn’t wish to participate. I suffered through alternate bouts of abasement and self-loathing. I had slithered abroad from the shards of canteen to ascend a annex and activate to body a bank about myself. It was time to go into the cocoon.
Unraveling the threads- In seek of sunlight – Adulation is calling your name
I anticipate I would acquire remained in that careful cover, not alive my potential, not experiencing my accomplishment and breeding if it wasn’t for my alluvial angels, my teachers, who appear to be my children.
You see, I approved my damnedest to acquire the absolute family. I talked the allocution and absolved the walk. No one not even myself knew that we were dysfunctional. It wasn’t the aforementioned affectionate of dysfunction that I had accomplished beforehand in activity but it was. You see I had now taken on the assignment of protector of my husband. No amount what he was doing, how he was acting, who he was affliction I dedicated him because I saw something altered than the others did. He too became progressively sicker with his calumniating behaviors.
The adventure started to echo itself, oldest son complex in drugs and alcohol, babe adversity from abasement and defective analysis and my youngest the innocent down-covered catapitty is watching the accomplished thing. Me, the warrior run amuck, was active about attention and aggravating to fix aggregate and everybody. I bare to get out of that careful cocoon. I charge to break the accoutrement that fabricated my careful garment. I NEED TO SEE THE LIGHT! DEAR GOD PLEASE LET ME SEE THE LIGHT NOW!
On the 27th day of December, 2005 my cushion breach open. My bedmate of 25 years, physically attacked my babe who was home from college. His acerbity was so intense, so directed that it took 4 of us to cull him off. You ability be abashed that I just aggregate that with you. Let me assure you that day is not looked aloft by the parties complex as a day of punishment. It is captivated up as a adored day, a day of awakening. On that day I transitioned, my wings were loosed, and a new me was on the horizon.
The way to accord is an close adventure – Aliment crumbs to love
Within one hour of that adventure I was sitting calmly in foreground of my ancestors belted with the accord of God compassionate that every moment, every burning in that canteen and cushion was me advancing for the next affiliate of my life, and I proceeded with adroitness and ease. You see I accomplished that this actuality activity is my life, my illusion, my creation. Aggregate that happened in that jar, in that cushion was created by me, it was the laying down of aliment crumbs to the analysis of my perfection, my magnificence. I accomplished that “I” was the alone getting that bare to say, know, experience, authenticate that I AM LOVE.
Since afresh I acquire gone a agrarian analysis of airs which has led me to this moment in foreground of you today. I am on a mission to beleaguer myself with love, to be love, to display love, to be a airy warrior for love. Don Miguel Ruiz says that a getting who embraces the Toltec Teachings of “The Four Agreements” is a Airy Warrior. This is about me assuming you that you are fabricated of this aforementioned light. The ablaze of your creator. You are Love. Touch your heart, this is area your accurate aspect resides. Your displace button, your activate afresh button is appropriate there accessible to you at all times.
I am in my alive now